Page Two
Vulnerability is hard.
The days in the NICU were long. We talk about post baby symptoms, mental wellness and adjusting to life with a newborn. What you can’t prepare for is living for someone else, to go from thriving to surviving. Doctors said she is in a vulnerable state. Vulnerability by definition is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. We were two hours from home with no idea what each day would bring, we all were vulnerable.
Preparation for this wasn’t in my plan but it was in God’s.
We were blessed to have access to a Ronald McDonald House across the street from the hospital. If you are unfamiliar, Ronald McDonald House Charities® is a place that feels like home for families who can’t be. It is housing, meals and supports for families who’s children are receiving medical care. Despite the beginning, our time in the NICU was 14 days and for that I am grateful because others stories are different. At a week old, she was weened off a feeding tube and for the first time was able to experience skin to skin contact and begin nursing. We often take for granted a simple touch and it’s impact to our health. This moment is where I learned first hand the power and importance of an embrace. Once she was able to be held, her healing magnified. Breast milk is magic, it is natural nutrition but the vulnerability of emotional distress to cry and not be held was creating physical strain as well. The things we experience are held with us forever. A babies separation distress can later be presented as separation anxiety from youth through adolescence and even adulthood. Every nurse and doctor said that between the natural milk and the skin to skin there is no better formula for a baby to heal.
Pediatric NICU units pull a few extra heart strings. It is children, the susceptible, the innocent, the ones who serve a bigger purpose in his plan than we could ever imagine. Children change us. It changes our bodies, it changes how we view life and changes what our lives look like. Yet, looking back on these times now simply show me all that change has taught me. In those days, I knew of God but didn’t know him. I didn’t know what vulnerability truly was until I experienced it first hand and held it in my arms.
All of this is hard to write, maybe that is why I never took the time to relive it. It is hard to share, maybe because it feels like no one understands or maybe they would blame me. All of this was even harder to live and maybe that is why it has taken me 11 years and a whole lot of healing to get here. I had a dear friend tell me one day, “God is going to use your testimony in a powerful way.” Testimonies leave us vulnerable but they are also powerful and you never know who needs to hear it.
God doesn’t change your circumstance, he changes you.